It’s just around noon on a Wednesday. It’s been quite some time since the random heatwave swept through the area and things have cooled down. Rays of sun skip through, cleaving the clouds across the horizon. I find myself shielding my eyes from its brilliance as I squint trying to keep my heading. I haven't been working at Spectacle since my knee got hurt. As I heal, I often come to stroll slowly through the Central Park in the midst of the Sunset Gardens residential area when I feel alone and weather permitting. I've been thankful that it's been primarily uninhabited when I come. It’s one of the places, other than the dancefloor at Spectacle where I've come to feel a sense of peace, though fleeting.
I muttered aloud as I realize I often do as I write into a small brown leather bound journal I started just recently, “I’m not used to the sun being out this often. I've been so used to clouds blanketing the sky that it's almost like I forgot the sun existed. And how it feels to be out in it. No matter how much I trick myself into believing that I love the darkness and the rain, I can’t see fit to deny something so free, wild, and beautiful… just like all the stars in the heavens and hmm... --just like him." I clap the journal shut as I catch myself in distraction.
Passing by a nearby bench, I decided to take a break and have a seat. I’ve become distracted again by the thought of him. A refreshing breeze passes through the nearby flora. Flocks of birds soar overhead dotting the area with their fleeting shadows. The rustle of leaves gives me a sense of calm I’ve needed for quite some time. Thinking over the events I've been through since moving here, and just how fast things have been changing, it was hard to realize the level of stress I was really under. I got used to having the dance floor at Spectacle as a release for my anxiety and depression.
I've been dominated by specific thoughts; the dreams I've been having since I met him. All the messages I've written and never sent to him night after night have piled up. Ever since the night I found myself alone and in danger, that same night he showed up out of nowhere and saved me, I’ve come to see him as a hero. And as the days have passed, something inside me seems to be changing.
It's been longer than usual since I've written a text to him. I started the journal in the hopes that I could sort myself out; all the feelings, the questions, the confusion, my hopes, and my dreams. Over the past few days, and long nights, it's like I enter a trance as I scribble wildly onto the pages. And the next day I often don't even recognize some of the things I've written.
I shuffle back through the pages of my journal. The napkin that Brandon had scribbled a message on reading: "Hey Gage, I miss you already." serves as a makeshift bookmark. Seeing it instantly puts a cheesy smile on my face. It holds the place of a specific page that I find myself constantly returning to review and edit. I've never written anything like a poem before in my life and there is a part of me that would be embarrassed if anyone found out. I open the page and read over the currently untitled piece:
Another night where I can’t sleep.
Outside to gaze at the night sky, again I sneak.
I think about the past as I look for those stars in the sky.
Those same ones I’ve often seen in your eyes.
I think of all the moments you’ve shown me care and affection.
Even without knowing your intentions.
My heart in the past has been wary.
I’ve come to find showing my emotions to be somewhat scary.
But you came to me and showed me I can be truthful and open, no longer broke.
This has come a long way in helping me to cope.
My heart was broken and cold.
But little by little it’s been awoken when you’ve given me a hand to hold.
From simple messages that simply say “Hey Gage”, I find that happiness is finding its way back into my heart.
There’s a lot I’ve come to admire about you after each time we meet.
So much to care about, I don’t think you realize that you’re so sweet.
You make the days better and I no longer feel defeated.
You make my nights liveable and I feel you making my heart and soul complete.
I’ll look up at the sky every night just to be reminded of you.
I know deep inside that these feelings are true.
Look at the stars and remember it’s you who’s healing my scars.
I’m tired now and I think I can finally sleep.
I’ll dream of you and tomorrow night I can repeat.
A love letter each night for the rest of our days.
I’m falling for you.
Let me count the ways.
"I'm falling for you..." Reading that line sends a rush of heat which blankets me from head to toe. I begin to shake. The pen falls from my hand onto the dirt beside me. "Relax, Gage," I tell myself as I take in deep breaths of cool air as all the memories of him flood my mind. I try closing my eyes but can only see his face, and that warm smile of his. The realization comes over me. The same realization I've been trying to suppress for quite some time now. My feelings of simple caring have become something more... something I irrationally fear, something new and uncontrollable.
"Can it be true...?" I keep taking in deeper breaths as my stomach turns and I begin to sweat. The breeze has become still. The birds have fled. I'm still alone. The once comforting scenery seems to fade around me as my vision glazes over with a dreamlike filter. I didn't realize how much time had passed since I'd been sitting here.
The calm and peace of being in the garden have reached their limits. Without being able to decompress and lose myself for an extended period of time on the dance floor at Spectacle, it feels as though everything is just catching up to me. I feel heavy like I can't move, even if I wanted to. Then the questions and doubts that usually plague me on the long nights begin to flood over me, intruding into my mind;
What's wrong with me?
How can I handle this?
Where is he now?
Is what I'm feeling the truth?
Why do I feel so alone?
Can someone like him care for me as well?
Can I really care for another, being as damaged as I am?
I find myself being able to only verbalize one question aloud; "Why?"
Then after a brief moment of deafening silence, something begins to happen. Something that hasn't happened in a long time. It begins as a lone tear falls onto the backside of my hand which lay on my lap. It's warm. I'm caught by surprise by the sensation and weight I feel within my chest. Like an open floodgate, the tears begin to fall as uncontrollably as the feelings I've been hiding within me, streaming down each side of my face.
Certain realizations rise to the surface as all of my issues and feelings, both known and long hidden reveal themselves; Arriving facefirst with the concept that I came to this town in the hopes to start over, escaping a relationship that nearly destroyed me. Learning to cope with loss. Struggling to be brave and make friends. Realizing that I was broken. Finally, coming in contact with the wild, mysterious, and beautiful soul, that is Brandon. He singlehandedly has come to show me that I can care again and that my heart can in fact be put back together again.
I begin to whisper into the palms of my hands almost like prayers seeking help from a god. "Why? Why am I so scared? Why am I so afraid to tell the person I've come to care about so deeply about how I feel about him?" I rub the tears from my cheeks, making room for more. "Just tell me what to do. I'm tired of doing all of this alone..."
"You're not alone..." A calming and familiar voice enters my reality. "Gage..."
I look up and see a blurred silhouette. I rub my face to clear my vision.
"You dropped something." the voice says.
Being able to see clearly enough, I see Declan standing before me, his face filled with concern and care with his palm out offering the pen I had dropped onto the dirt earlier.
"How long have you been standing there?" I accept the pen from my friend as I nod in thanks. The tears had been put to a stop.
Declan lets out a kind smile. "Long enough to hear that you've been struggling with a lot of things by yourself." He takes a seat next to me on the bench, placing a hand on my shoulder. "And that you are afraid to tell someone that you care about them... I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you were talking about Brandon."
"It's that obvious huh?"
Declan began to speak in confidence. "I won't pretend I have the answers, but the one thing I know you're wrong about is that you are NOT alone anymore. Yeah, like a lot of people here, maybe you came to Sunset Heights to escape and had gotten used to moving on by yourself. But regardless if you realize it or not, some of us here have grown to care about you. You can always come to me when you need someone to listen... remember, 'Ride or Die'."
I feel my sense of calm returning as my friend comforts me with his words. Slowly, color returns to the area that had earlier faded around me. It was nearly night already.
Declan points at the journal sitting on my lap. "I see you've found a new hobby."
I pick up the journal and release a portion of the fear I've had inside me as I introduce the contents to Declan. I show him the dozens of notes, messages, and letters that I've come to write about Brandon. All of the feelings I've been hiding so discretely. He just sits there and lets me ramble about it as night overcomes the area. He explains to me that he is in awe of the amount of passion that I've come to express. Some of the weight I've been feeling seems to be lifting as I start to believe that I am in fact, not completely alone in this. In closing, he said something that struck me, "I wish someone would love me in the same way that you have come to love Brandon."
On my way to leave the gardens I flipped back to the untitled poem I wrote. I read it to myself again before taking pen in hand. This may be the first love letter that I don't send, but I feel now that it is complete. I turn my attention to the top of the page where the title should be and I write one that I find appropriate: FIXING HEARTS
I gaze at the stars that have revealed themself in the clear night sky. I take a deep breath inward, drawing into myself only calm. I exhale, releasing a burden that I've held onto for so long. I take a bold step and finally can say to myself aloud what I've been feeling and have been too scared to admit outright:
--"I am in love with Brandon."
A sense of relief falls over me as I head home, walking under the watchful eyes of the stars above me. I feel a buzzing coming from my smartphone inside my pocket. And like serendipity, it's a text message from Brandon:
"Hey, Gage. How's it going?"
There is so much I want to say to him. But that will come in time. So I reply in the way I've come accustomed to:
"Hey, Brandon."