I’ve been afraid that I’d be extremely lonely during this time without anyone. As the days approach I have the feeling that I will indeed be alone. I’ve been sleeping most of the days away, awake just long enough to reply to a couple messages I’ve needed to send. The ones that get no reply.
I wake up; have some eggs and rice (that my dad wakes me with every morning) before going out for a walk and smoke some poorly chosen weed. The days go by so slow and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.
I think sometimes I’m want to be done with the mainland and feeling so over extended. I got out of another 7 year relationship a week before Christmas, that was going no where anyway but it’s kind of defeating. (And did I mention he cheated? That fucker.)
From another perspective I’ve never wanted to stay in the area more. I do have somewhat of a shaky life, but I value the few relationships I’ve made during all this time. I believe I can go on and have a life here (Vancouver) worth living. With good quality people. I need a solid foundation to build upon. It’s hard alone.
But it all seems dark. And I’m alone for the most part. Alone to fixate on a fairytale I created inadvertently to help me cope with loss. Only realizing that I’ve lost much more than thought. I chased away the person I cherished and thought I was beginning to really (love). I know I care. I’m not sure if he does at all. (Why does it even matter to me?) my heart has been affected much more greatly by losing someone I never had than by upheaving the last 7 years of my life to a placeholder.
The words and series of actions say one thing. And his silence and dispersement says another. —How can you give someone more space when you’ve given them your entire world to live in?
One day I’ll have to be dealt with. One day you’ll look me in the eye and say the words that will put me at peace. Regardless of my happiness. I want the honest truth.
I’m tired. Of being uncertain. Of being the whipping boy or one who gets special privileges one week but dropped another to prove some thing. I don’t know what. I’m critical of the game this has all become.
—I’ll show you I can live in your world all the while creating one of my own. There’s nothing I want more.
There’s one constant in this. And it’s still you.